Random fist fights that warm my heart

Anyone who knows me, knows of my penchant to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I've walked in on countless people having sex, witness a home invasion, saw a guy pooping in the woods. Some of my favorite memories are the random fistfights I've come across. Here we go:

1. "Bum Fight". While waiting at a stop light, I noticed some goings-on going on at the BP across the street. Well, if it wasn't a mythical bum fight! 2 homeless dudes just swinging on each other like the last bologne sandwich in the world was at stake. I happen to know these fellows are homeless as I've gotten gas at that BP and they've requested money while I stood by the pump. I was a little confused, though. They usually seem very friendly to each other. I've also seen them at the Walgreens next door sharing a cigarette. Whatever the case may be, these two were destroying each other. Thanks to the extended red light, I got to watch.

2. "Chicks Say the Darndest Things". I had to pee one night while out at the club. Being the DD for the night proved to be one of the best decisions ever made as I saw things that I used against people for years to come. I don't approve of club bathrooms and try to avoid them at all costs. Anyhow, that night was a different night. It's like a force pulled me into the shitter and into the middle of this fight. These two girls were yelling at each other pretty hardcore when I walked in. Each had her little backup posse yelling things like "bitch". And
"dirty whore". I made my way into a stall and was relieving myself when I heard the battle cry: "If you don't like what I'm saying then why don't you hit me?". That's all the other girl needed and they tussled...right into my damn stall. Lucky me. Unfortunately, I had to kick both of their asses so I could pull up my damn pants and leave. One girl tried to step in as I charged out the stall like a rhino "this doesn't concern you, bitch" she tells me as I step on her friend's face. "when your friend comes into my stall while I'm pissing, it becomes my business". Punched her in the boob to get out of the foray. Come to think of it, I didn't wash my hands.....

3. "Bad Romance". This fight makes me sad. I was in college and this guy called the wrong number (mine) sobbing. His boyfriend just broke up with him because he wasn't ready to come out of the closet. Hearing such raw emotion and pain in the guy's voice made me hit *69 and call the dude back (this was pre-cell phones and when Caller ID was for rich folks willing to pay extra). He was a broken little gay man, crying and blubbering. I told him he dialed the wrong number. I was not Chad. He started howling at this point and I heard the thuds of him hitting his head on a wall or desk. The guy beat himself up pretty bad while I was on the phone with him. I invited him out for a drink to be with someone who didn't give a shit that he was gay. He declined and we hung up. 3 hours later, he called back and asked if that drink offer was still good. That night, me and a battered man had drinks at the bar down the street. He was all busted up when I saw him. He asked if he looked "that bad" (he shoved his head through his mirror). I said "well, I didn't know gay men could kick so much ass". We were friends for years.

4. "Somewhere in the World, You Have a Twin". This fight involves Yours Truly. This is hands down, the weirdest fight I've ever been in because the chick thought she was fighting someone else. While at the Bloomington Mall, a girl came up to me and said "Marie is going to kick your ass". I did no know any Maria, nor did I know why she was going to kick my ass. I ignored this broad and kept shopping. It seemed like everywhere I went, this chick was there, letting me know I was going to get destroyed by this Marie. I left and chaulked it up to the chick being high or drunk. The following week, I was back at the mall, returnin my purchases from the last week. Holy shit, here comes "The Messenger". She came over with 2 friends and informed me that she told Marie she saw me. They all agreed I was going to "get it". They pestered me while I shopped. They followed me out of the mall and I turned to "The Messenger" and said "give Marie a message from me, okay?". And I popped that chick in the face. I still don't know who Marie is or her friends. Best I can tell is that they had me confused for someone else.

So many more to tell, ut the kid's are up and about. There's "The Jimmy" and the "Ex Factor". I've loved them all. Well, the one with me in the bathroom kinda sucked. Ah, memories!