In the end, only kindness matters

Yes, I quoted Jewel. It's a terrible boring song, but that line has always stuck with me. It's also ironic because I think of the song in less-than-kind terms; however, I do like that lyric a lot.

We all have a ghost or two who haunt us from our past. While I have no regrets or excuses for the things I've done, I also feel a small pinch every so often when I think about certain times, people, places and things. That "pinch" revisited me the other day.

She was the meanest girl in the school. She just said mean things to everyone. She bullied without hesitation. If someone was being picked on by another student, she'd happily join in. I was one of her "marks".

"Are you a lesbian?"

She asked before History class. I glanced toward the teacher. He was in the hallway, joking around with other mug-carrying teachers (I suspect there was more than coffee in there). No save for me.

"I'm not sayin' nothing, I'm just curious"

I heard the snickers as my face burned red-hot. Fucking double-negative to boot. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"No" I'd say as nonchalantly as possible. You show this girl weakness, she'll pounce...all goddamn 68 lbs of her coming to you at full force. I opened my book and started to scribble notes. When's that bell gonna ring?! Shouldn't class have started an hour ago?

"You look like a lesbian. Your clothes are lesbian. You're fat, too"

I don't remember what brought this on. I think it had to do with my ignoring her request to copy my homework. For nearly 5 minutes she taunted me ("helllllooo!? I'm talking to you, dummy!") Others laughed; one part their stupid juvenile sense of humor and the other part relief that they would not bear the brunt of her forked tongue. she turned to her friends, comfortable in the fact that she sliced me down. Yep, it was true. She did.

I know for a fact I could destroy her. Hell, I was fat, but strong, too. I've been in fistfights before. But this girl, this mean girl was different. She was part of the popular crowd. She battled anorexia and was losing, but no one talked about it. I knew I could hit her once and drop her to the floor. But, I also knew everyone of those popular kids would ensure I lived in misery for the rest of my days. When you're in high school, those days never seem like they'll end. I knew if I dropped her, I could hurt her more than I intended.

Instead, I sat there in my size 14 generic jeans topped with a scratchy flannel shirt and took it. It wasn't the first time and, sadly, not the last. "Where DO you get clothes like that? Is it, like, something your MOM is making you wear?"

20 years later, I get a friend request from the meanest girl ever. I was shocked. Instantly, I remember all the lesbian taunts, the "you're ugly"s and the fat jokes. This meanest girl ever seemed to have forgotten. I haven't. Even when I was fit, running a marathon and having several men call me for a date, I always felt a little insecure. Damn you, Facebook. Damn you HARD.

I figured I had grown up. I let the request sit for a day or two and then accepted. You gotta look at the dragon to slay it, right?

Instantly, my newsfeed was flooded with "broken angel" pictures and "don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes" kind of bullshit. Great. Song lyrics and music started to show up. Stupid lyrics that made me laugh. Crappy songs that I always change the channel on the radio once they come on.

Then, there it was. A vent. The meanest girl in the world had no money for clothes or even basic baby care. The meanest girl in the world wasn't sure she would have a house for much longer. The meanest girl in the world blamed a lot of other people, but hey...it's a vent. We're allowed to do that.

I sat back. I remembered why I wore the clothes I did. My dad was a victim of the Air Force Reduction In Force (RIF)* and had to get out in like a month. He took a low-paying job just so we could survive. Mom, my stay-at-home Mommy, went to work, too. We were barely making ends meet. We could have gone on government assistance, but my parents made it work. We didn't have the best things but we DID have each other and the basics. These basics are what this mean girl made fun of me about day in and day out. Now, here she was: without the basics, blaming everyone for it.

I knew what I could do. I asked what size diapers her baby was in. We're upgrading Sam to Pull Ups, she could have our left overs; same goes with his old clothes. She said thanks and accepted my offer.

I could have laughed in this girl's face (well, her profile on Facebook). Karma, bitch! You don't get ahead when you're the meanest person in the world. Instead, I will try to help. I hope to bury some of my demons along with it. But, more importantly, I hope to help her kids escape the humiliation that their mom visited on me on almost a weekly occasion. I'm 36 and I still hear the laughter and my face still burns. I remember hoping that she would get her comeuppance when the time comes. Seems so childish in light of the situation. No one deserves this and I cannot visit the sins of the mother onto her children.

Like the lyric says: "in the end, only kindness matters".